


All Chat

by pray_to_RNGesus



Category: Dota 2
Genre: Horrible Crack, Multi, Sorry Not Sorry, chatfic, gayyyyyyyyyyy, it get worse though, new level of shitposting, why can't dota just be normal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:04:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pray_to_RNGesus/pseuds/pray_to_RNGesus
Summary: Guess what happens if you get more than a hundred of idiots and just put them together and let their weirdness slip out freely on each other?MADNESS.or: the dota community in a nutshell





	1. Welcome to dota, you suck

**Created channel [All Chat]**

**113 members online.**

 

Boush: Ugh

Boush: So

Boush: For whatever fucking reason someone icy and froggy demanded that all of us should have a form of communication

Boush: He called it an "all chat"

Boush: Each of you most likely have received a communicator with this thing installed

Boush: So you can chat here, you can create your own groups blah blah blah have fun

Lyralei: wow nice! this is something

Boush: Wait a second

 

**Boush created a group [Team Radiant]**

**Boush created a group [Team Dire]**

 

Boush: Well actually it's working even in battle so yeah

Lyralei: this man is a prodigy

Boush: Just doing my job ;)

Rattletrap: so you're not going to credit me, i guess?

Boush: oh right. Shoutout to Rattle he was very helpful applause everyone

Carl: What is this abomination...

Lyralei: uh oh here comes the fun police

Magina: dont tell me tis cocky bastard is here too

Lyralei: ...ok he even has the reinforcement

Magina: whatya mean?

Mirana: she means that you guys don't even know what fun is

Magina: i know what fun is stop being stupid

Lyralei: oh yeah hitting creeps for 50 minutes is SO FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING

Boush: And that's exactly why you get this

Anti-fun: get what?

Anti-fun:

Anti-fun: wtf is it?

Lyralei: ASDFGSFKB THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING

Lina: fits you well, magi

Anti-fun: shut the fuxk up how do i change it????

Boush: By not being an ass, actually

Lina: i have another idea what his username would be

Boush: I know what you're implying on and it's too pushed over

Boush: But if he is _especially_ bitchy I'll use it

Lyralei: anti-mage but every time he's an ass it gets more humiliating

Rylai: Haha! good one lyra!

Lyralei: *bows*

Mirana: i'd give magina a bow too

Lyralei: he doesn't know how to use it

Lyralei: he'll probably think it's a strange wooden blade with no handle

Mirana: not THAT bow

Mirana: but i like your flow of mind

Anti-fun: i fucking quit

Lina: (♪) Crybaby

Lyralei: LMAO THIS WORKS HERE?

Lyralei: (♪) Waow

Boush: This won't end up well, will it

 

 

**Private chat between [Boush] and [Karroch]**

 

Boush: Pssst

Boush: Karroch

Boush: _@KARROCH_ THE EARTH IS CALLING UPON YOU

Karroch: what the

Karroch: oh hi

Boush: Do you know what a good hero would do after getting his ultimate?

Karroch: what?

Boush: Gank middle lane

Karroch: ...

Karroch: we're in opposing teams remember?

Boush: I know.

Boush: I mean

Boush: _GANK ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

Karroch: now THERE it goes

Karroch: alright

 

 

**[Team Radiant]**

 

Lyralei: i haven't seen karroch for a bit

Lyralei: watch out he's lvl six already

Boush: like

Boush: SIX

Lyralei: what

Boush: Nvm I'm gucci

Lyralei: ...ok then

 

~~~

 

Lyralei: THE FUCK

Boush: I told you I was FUCKING OK

Tresdin: What's the matter?

Lyralei: i spotted the enemy approaching boush in the jungle

Lyralei: it was karroch

Lyralei: boush turns to him with THAT FUCJING SLY GRIN ON HIS FACE

Lyralei: but apparently karroch notices me and is about to roar me so i have to run away

Lyralei: BUT THEN I RETURN

Boush: Lyra don't

Lyralei: AND these two are already kissing on our shirine

Lyralei: shrine*

Tresdin: BOUSH WTF

Tresdin: DO YOU REMEMBER WHICH SIDE ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?

Boush: Omfg people it's NOT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS

Tresdin: ACTUALLY IT _IS_.

Tresdin: Boush. You know the rules.

Boush: Tres chill there is NOTHING about this in the rules so it isn't technically a treason shut up

Lyralei: HAHHHAHHSH

Lyralei: "Making out with the enemy offlaner isn't technically a treason" (с) Boush the Tinker

Boush: Gods I just want the sweet embrace of death

Rotund'jere: **I can provide that.**

Boush: Nevermind I'm reverting my decision

Boush: Oh wait

Boush: I have the sweet embrace of the enemy offlaner I forgot

Tresdin: Why are you like this...

 

 

**[All chat]**

 

Akasha: i have a question

Akasha: did the ogres get one communicator?

Boush: One per hero, yes

Boush: What do you mean?

Akasha: well it seems like they are fighting for it

Boush: LOL WHAT

Lyralei: **I MUST SEE THAT SHIT**

Rylai: Lina

Rylai: Heat the popcorn

Rylai: The shitshow begins

Lina: working on it

Boush: Can't they just use it in order? Like switching on a daily basis or something like that?

Lyralei: shhhh that's way more interesting

Boush: ...

Boush: Agreed

 

~~~

 

Boush: Hey remember that time when Ymir, Mangix and Rigwarl got smashed and destroyed half of the tavern

Lyralei: hell yeah i do

Lyralei: actually me, mort and tracksex were drinking with them but we left before chaos ensured

Traxex: _I told you to stop butchering my name._

Mortred: I'd say

Mortred: _pudgering_

Lyralei: lmao no that would be too violent

Traxex: _Mortred._

Mortred: _what_

Traxex: _You're not helping._

Mortred: _wasn't even intending to help lol_

Traxex: _And stop mocking me. It's so childish._

Mortred: oh please forgive me your frostiness

Mortred: _Look at me i am a super edgy archer_ _girl.  
_

Mortred: _I write in italics 100% of the time bc it's cool and i can silence people with my horrible bitchy personality alone._

Mortred: CHILL OUT

Traxex: Better now?

Mortred: significantly

Mortred: so _@lyralei_ what are you doing rn?

Lyralei: hanging out at the gayser

Mortred: geyser maybe

Lyralei: i'm with boush and karroch so it's a gayser

Mortred: oh

Boush: We can read this you know

Lyralei: bitch please

Lyralei: tell me that it's not true

Boush: ...

Boush: Alright I'm defeated

Lyralei: so mortred come join us if you want

Mortred: sure

Traxex: Guess I'm not invited though.

Mortred: sorry frostits but i don't want our gayser to freeze yet

Mortred: so not now

Akasha: wow rude

Akasha: i wanted to join actually

Akasha: but i'm feeling extra bitchy today so i'm just going to annoy magina

Boush: Good luck with that

Lyralei: same

Mortred: +1

Akasha: so

Akasha: good luck to you too

Akasha: be careful though

Akasha: there's _hot_ out there ;)

Boush: stfu

Akasha:

Akasha: speaking of devil

Akasha: are there any signs of straghtness here?

Akasha: just name me any single person

Lyralei: well half of the crew isn't interested at all i guess

Akasha: yeah except them

Rylai: Maybe Banehallow?

Karroch: with old man Sylla

Karroch: met them in the forest

Rylai: Kunkka?

Lyralei: in a happy long-term relationship with a predator watermelon

Lyralei: have no clue what to call it

Kunkka: "gay as fuck" is fine

Lyralei: oh alright

Lanaya: Carl?

Mortred: nope. just nope.

Boush: Don't even mention Anti-magina

Lina: sgsdgfsdfgdfg no just look at him

Lanaya: Fair point.

Lanaya: You know...

Lanaya: The more I know about you all, the more I get the feeling that this whole thing should be renamed.

Boush: To what?

Lanaya: Defense of the Gaycients.

Lyralei: LOL

Mortred: defense of the gayshits

Boush: NGFQKOQNWGW

Boush: I NEED TO DO SOMETHING

 

**[All Chat] renamed to [defense of the gayshits]**

 

Lanaya: Close enough.

Akasha: NGHGNHGNGHNGHGN THIS IS AWESOME

Akasha: (♪) Applause

Lina: _@boush_ add an airhorn sound just to place it after all mortred's puns

Mortred: awwww you flatter me

Boush:

Boush: I'll think about it

Lyralei: so i guess we're all just bad at being normal

Lina: fucking normies

Rylai: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Lina: you got this sis

Rylai: ;)

Boush: Alright, I'm tired

Boush: If you need me for battle, wake me up

Rylai: ...inside

Boush: RYLAI

Rylai: _**:)**_

 

 

~~~

 

Antimagination: what did i miss

Antimagination: BOUSH I FUCKING HATE YOU


	2. Birthday pranks are fun

**Private chat between [Lyralei] and [Boush]**

Lyralei: sup dude

Boush: Hi there

Lyralei: you know what this day is?

Boush:

Boush: No?

Lyralei: it's xin's birthday!!

Boush: ermm Lyra...

Boush: He's a spirit

Boush: Sooo

Boush: He most likely gives no fucks about his bday at all?

Boush: How did you know anyways

Lyralei: ok maaaaybe its not

Lyralei: alright fuck it its just a stupid ass reason i came up with like a minute ago

Lyralei: but the REAL purpose is that i know how to fuck with everyone on the chatroom

Boush:

Boush: Ok spit it out

 

 

**[defense of the gayshits]**

 

Tresdin: So for what i

Tresdin:

Tresdin: What the fuck??

Tresdin: This fucking long-ass message

Tresdin: WHAT'S HAPPENING

Tresdin: All I write is

Tresdin: cut to 4 words

Boush: adsfasadafssafad

Lyralei: FOUR WORDS IS PLENTY

Lina: tf is happening here

Lyralei: happy birthday _@xin_!!!

Xin:

Xin: What the actual fuck.

Boush: HAHAHAHHH FUCKING NAILED IT

Xin: It's not my birthday...

Xin: But thank you anyway.

Xin: Your recognition honours me.

Boush: Well. I checked and

Boush: It's actually Xin's anniversary

Boush: Of joining us here

Lyralei: oh so it IS

Lyralei: congratulations!!!

Kaolin: I joined then too.

Kaolin: Why not mention me?

Akasha: well sorry but

Akasha: if anyone picked you

Akasha: it would be different

Xin: You are bested, brother.

Lina: kkkkk roasted

Rylai: Lina don't

Lina: i NEEDED that pun

Kaolin: This doesn't make sense.

Karroch: actually about not picking

Karroch: chilling with chen here

Karroch: we're the unpicked club

Karroch: join us if you

Karroch: want*

Boush: I'm on it

Karroch: youre not unpicked honey

Boush: I want you close

Boush: So shut up

Lyralei: boush that sounded gay

Boush: Aren't we all?

Lyralei: fair

Kaolin: Where are you?

Kaolin: I'm joining the outcast.

Karroch: forest

Karroch: on the way to

Karroch: the gayser

Karroch: fuck your 4 words

Karroch: i still cant adjust

Raijin: Brother this is extra

Raijin: Also _@xin_ my congratulations!

Lyralei: oh he finally comes!

Lyralei: raijin you missed a lot

Lyralei: of things happening here

Antimagination: wtf is going on

Boush: It started so good...

Boush: :C

Antimagination: how are you heroes

Antimagination: its so foolish omg

Boush: Comes from a literal antimagination

Antimagination: wait a second

Antimagination: you just used 5words

Boush:

Boush: Whoopsie doopsie cover blown haha

Boush: Lyra you actually did it too like a minute ago

Boush: But noone noticed

Lyralei: magina why are you such an asshole

Boush: Alright everyone

Boush: I assume that Xin's Birthday Four Words Is Plenty Marathon is officially over

Boush: Everyone can type normally

Lina: it wasnt even close to official wtf

Rattletrap: hm hm

Rattletrap: well with a tiny little exception

Boush: ?

Rattletrap: isn't it obvious

Rattletrap: the person with a unique talent to piss everyone off

Rattletrap: bitch thats for calling me a tin can pussy

Antimagination: pfffft

Antimagination: like what are u

Lina: see he's hopeless

Mortred: when we're at it i start a new marathon

Mortred: Four Words Is Plenty To Describe Magina lets go

Lyralei: WOOHOO time to shine

Rylai: Guys...

Rylai: isn't it too over the edge?

Rylai: Like it's all-on-one

Antimagination: i dont need your

Antimafunation: help fuck off

Rylai:

Rylai: Alright go rot I don't care anymore

Lina: well now i want to slap him

Rylai: Thanks sis ^^

Lina: alright

Antimagination: OUCH STOP IT

Antimagination: OKAY ILL APOLOGIZE

Antimagination: ugh

Antimagination: sorry i'm an ass

Lina: is that all?

Antimagination: four words remember

Rattletrap: alright removed that for this reason only

Antimagination: oh shit

Karroch:

Karroch: guys what have you done with kaolin?

Karroch: hes sitting with us and crying

Karroch: i swear i NEVER thought that a stone being can cry

Karroch: but he actually can

Karroch: and i almost thought i was done with chen doing the same

Boush: Well

Boush: You're good at calming people I'd say

Karroch: of course it always works

Lyralei: what works?

Karroch: the nature's ancient method

Lyralei: ?!

Karroch: a cuddle pile

Rylai: Awwwwwwwww it's so cute

Boush: Oh right I was going to join you

Raijin: Might as well wait for me!

 

~~~

 

Boush: Surprisingly, Magina wasn't that sassy for once

Boush: He even apologized to Rylai

Karroch: fuck

Karroch: guys

Karroch: when i said cuddle pile

Karroch: i didnt mean laying on me all at once

Karroch: I feel like aching everywhere

Boush: Poor old man

Boush: Well let's make it up to you

Karroch: im just a few years older than you shut up

Boush: Boo grumpy gramps

Akasha: is it karroch screaming at you or i misheard

Boush: Yes it is

Akasha: oh take your time then

Akasha: i love karrochs screaming voice

Akasha: would let him scream the fuck out of me *ω*

Boush: WOAh tHERE

Boush: HANDS OFF LADY THATS PRIVATE PROPERTY

Karroch: since when im yur private property

Boush: I'll remind you right now ;)

Lyralei: no details pls

Lyralei: i want to sleep properly

Boush: Ok

Boush: Cya later

 

~~~

 

Carl: I AM PURPLE I AM EDGY I KILL MAGIC WITH THE MAGIC

Mortred: bitch that was my joke!!

Magina: shitty wizard

Carl: (♪) Sad trombone


	3. Purion Flex

**[Team Dire]**

 

Rizzrack: question of utter importance

Rizzrack: is it possible for the shopkeeper to run out of something?

Lyralei: not really...

Lyralei: i mean

Lyralei: this is a magic arena

Lyralei: so im sure he can repleinsh it or some shit

Rizzrack: good.

Rizzrack: because i'm going to waste all my gold on tangos

Rizzrack: hahahaha

Rizzrack: that tree man is gonna get fucked

Lyralei:

Lyralei: ugh...

Lyralei: you know what?

Lyralei: im done

 

 

**[defense of the gayshits]**

 

Mortred: excuse me but why the flying fuck is timbers robo suit filled with a shitload of FUCKING TANGOES

Lyralei: dont even ask

Lyralei: also _@furion_ he said smth about you to have your ass ready

Lyralei: dont know if you're gonna read it or not

Furion: I...

Furion: I don't understand.

Lyralei: its far beyond your knowledge lul

Mortred: i'm pretty sure he said something like he wants to fool around w/you

Lyralei: not in THAT way...

Rizzrack: NO FUCKOFF I DIDNT SAY THAT

Mortred: whew

Mortred: its gonna evolve into daddy kink soon

Rizzrack: fuck you.

 

~~~

 

Lina: rylai you being the 'lord of shitty memes' sometimes makes me die inside

Rylai: Come oooon sis

Rylai: Let me live

Lina: I WANT TO LIVE TOO

Lyralei: OMGGGGGGGG PEOPLEEEEEEEEEE

Lyralei: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lina: i'm already scared

Lyralei: okay what actually happened last match

Lyralei: i wander around their forest looking for some ez killz

Lyralei: found furion farming it

Lyralei: purist was next to him dewarding

Lyralei: when they are close to each other i powershot them

Lyralei: i was fed as fuck so they scrambled to escape

Boush: Omfg

Lyralei: and furion sprouts himself WITH PURIST INSIDE

Lyralei: so they are pushed together like face to face

Lyralei: ...AND THEN I ACCIDENTALLY RANDOMLY SHACKLE THEM IN THIS POSITION

Rylai: Lyra you are a horrible person lmaoooo

Lyralei: I KNOW RIGHT

Mortred: that's my girl

Lyralei: but the funniest part is that i remembered this thing has a camera right after

Lyralei: SO WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT

**[Lyralei] posted [purion.png]**

Lina: LOLOLOL

Rylai: Is purion kind of a ship name

Lyralei: exactly

Lyralei: i swear purist was redder than axe at this point

Lyralei: _@furion_ you damn charmer got yourself a whole paladin?

Furion: LYRALEI

Furion: STOP THIS NONSENSE!!

Lyralei: i mean not that you stayed in this weird position for about a minute after my shackles disappeared

Purist: There was nothing between us! It's against the Omniscience's code!

Lina: purist please don't start praying in the groupchat its so gross

Purist: It was just an accident. Let's end this discussion.

Lyralei: uh okay..

Lyralei:

Lyralei: honestly i think boush made the camera just for dick pics

Boush: Nonsense.

Lyralei: you cant deny it karroch literally sent me one of them once

Boush: What

Karroch: i misclicked

Karroch: you know

Karroch: my fingers are to big for this thing

Rylai: Yeaaaah he knows _how big those fingers are ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

Lina: sis as much as i like you

Lina: but you insist on making me murderous

Rattletrap: guys

Rattletrap: have anyone else noticed this?

Boush: Noticed what

Rattletrap: lyra always tends to appear in someone's private moments an ruin them

Rattletrap: i think we might have a new hero

Rattletrap: Lyralei, the Cockblocker

Rylai: sdfsgdgs clockblocked

Boush: I agree

Lyralei: LMAOO

Lyralei: i wont even deny it its so funny :D

Akasha: im joining you on it pissing people off is hella funny

Akasha: but next time don't really ruin their intimate moments

Akasha: firstly, it's very mean

Akasha: and secondly

Akasha: that's my job after all ;)

 

~~~

 

**Private chat between [Lyralei] and [Karroch]**

 

Lyralei: youre a furion's friend right?

Karroch: well

Karroch: somethign like that

Lyralei: the losers duo needs help

Lyralei: RIGHT NOW

Karroch: tf who you mean?

Lyralei: purion

Karroch: ah these two

Karroch: what do you want

Lyralei: they really need some good advice to get toghether

Lyralei: but apparently I cant do this

Lyralei: bc it looks like noone takes me seriously

Karroch: wow

Karroch: why would that be

Lyralei: shut up bearded smartass

Lyralei: ..beardass?

Lyralei: well i tried whatever

Karroch: alright i'll speak to him

Lyralei: you're the best :*

Karroch: i know

Karroch: boush always says that

Lyralei: goddamn

Lyralei: just shut up already

 

 

**Private chat between [Lyralei] and [Boush]**

 

Lyralei: hi boubou

Boush: Do you want me to talk to Purist

Boush: Roch already told me

Lyralei: youre no fun

Lyralei: yes i do

Boush: And never call me that again or I'll set up killer robots in your room

Lyralei: point taken

Lyralei: anyway

Lyralei: i think you guys are the only ones to help them

Lyralei: alright lazybutts get to work!

Boush: You're playing with fire

 

 

**Private chat between [Karroch] and [Furion]**

 

Karroch: hey

Furion: Oh hello, my friend.

Furion: Does anything concern you?

Karroch: actually, yes

Karroch: dont be a shy lamer and make a first move

Furion: What are you talking about?

Karroch: you know exactly what

Karroch: or better who

Furion: Karroch. I tell you one more time, it was only an accident.

Karroch: i can sense living creatures just as myself and youre not an exception

Karroch: you cant fool me

Karroch: let me guess

Karroch: you actually wanted to pick up on him

Karroch: but you are a social catastrophe and dont know how to talk to peolpe

Furion: Ughhh...

Furion: Maybe.

Karroch: well, then i can congratulate you

Karroch: because you two idiots are the same

Karroch: now listen to me before you fuck everything up

 

 

**Private chat between [Boush] and [Purist]**

 

Boush: Hi Purist

Purist: Oh hello, my friend.

Boush: I have a feeling of deja vu

Boush: Whatever

Boush: So there's no point in denying that you are interested in being close to Furion (seriously. don't even start) and I think I can help you with it

Purist: Omniscience forgive me.

Purist: Why did I deserve this?

Boush: Omfg just admit it already don't waste our time

Purist: Well... What do you suggest?

Boush: Get to him and tell him what you want

Boush: Innuendo clear enough?

Purist: I

Purist: I'm not entirely sure about it.

Purist: It's clearly not something what a paladin of Light should do...

Boush: I foresaw this topic and no, absolutely NOTHING will happen

Boush: You won't be stricken by lightning you won't lose your powers you won't even get ashamed of it

Boush: well, friendly puns aside

Boush: What I tried to say is don't be afraid

Purist: Uh

Purist: Okay, I'll try.

Boush: Just don't do anything stupid. Simply ask him out and tell what you feel for him

Boush: And remember, time is money. Don't hesitate and use your opportunities

Boush: Good luck

 

 

**[defense of the gayshits]**

 

Akasha: is my eyesight getting bad or is furion flexing in front of his _someone_

Mortred: yeah watch it with me

Lyralei: whaaaa

Lyralei: _@karroch_ ??

Karroch: what do you want

Karroch: i told him that the best way to introduce yourself is to show your strength and might

Karroch: also helps at seducing people

Lyralei: you kinda suck at giving advice honestly

Karroch: dunno it worked in my case

Lyralei: it worked only because your bf has a fucking caveman kink

Boush: Woah rude

Boush: Also honey it's really a bit odd

Boush: Couldn't you tell him to just explain what he feels?

Lyralei: **oh my fucking god you two retards couldn't even DISCUSS IT WITH EACH OTHER**

Karroch: you actually kinda forced us to participate sooo

Karroch: you have no right to protest

Karroch: also you called my beard dumb

Boush: SHE DID WHAT

Lyralei: mortyyyy

Lyralei: a giant rude man is bullying me halp

Mortred: sorry love but im busy enjoying the show

Lyralei: i cant believe it

Lyralei: im betrayed by my own gf

Boush: *assassinated

Mortred: _ouch_

Shendelzare: I'm sick of this

Mortred: shendel! didn't see you here before

Mortred: LOL

Lyralei: what did she do

Mortred: she just went next to purist and swapped furion to him

Lina: i think shendel deserves a unique title

Lina: The Cockunblocker

Mortred:

Mortred: guys

Mortred: guys they're kissing

Mortred: i thought no tears would escape my eyes anymore but I was wrong

Karroch: ...and i also told him that after getting the attention he needs to act swiftly and decisively

Lyralei: okay i get my words back

Lyralei: this shit is weird as fuck but it worked

Akasha: SILENCE ALL

Akasha: you're ruining the moment

 

Furion: You

Furion: You _planned_ all of this??

Lyralei: of course we did

Lyralei: who do you think would make you get along

Lyralei: or else you two would continue shying away from each other forever

Mortred: you even say you're not happy with how it turned out

Furion: Well... We are, of course, but...

Mortred: then just don't ask questions

Mortred: congratulations blahblahblah

Mortred: welcome to our big gay family

Lyralei: morty this sounds awful

Mortred: oh and also

Mortred: _@rizzrack_ i'm afraid that your daddy left you

Mortred: unless you want two daddies ofc but in my opinion thats a bit too kinky

Rizzrack: blocked.

Boush: I see everyone's happy and enjoys themselves

Boush: So to conclude this day's events

 

**[defense of the gayshits] renamed to [Purion Flex]**

 

Furion: Mother Nature help me...


	4. There's some blood in his alcohol stream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol plus idiots makes a disaster. Rising the amount of both makes it worse exponentionally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVED BITCH  
> Dota balance is as nonexistent as my spare time, so I fucking LOVE the new patch. And here you go, some more insanity from yours faithful. Have fun C:

**[grumpy auntie dumb and daunty]**

  
Auntie Madge: could we at least change the title

Mortred: nope. it stays until you knit me a pair of woolen socks

Auntie Madge: i cant ficking knit fuck off

Mortred: bad bad auntie

Mortred: and i even wanted to bring you cookies

Auntie Madge: then be a nice niece and shove them up yuor ass

Lyralei: you guys are insane

Lyralei: how could i live without this

Lyralei: babe i believe you did this for me, but what exactly did you manage it

Mortred: oh that was ez

Mortred: gimme a second

Boush: I WENT OFFLINE FOR ONE FUCKING HOUR WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

Lyralei: wonder what you were doing for that one hour

Boush: God shut up

Boush: You better tell me what the hell my aunt Madge is doing here

Rattletrap: BHBEHSWB I REMEMBER THAT OLD WITCH

Boush: Rattle!

Boush: Show some respect at least

Rattletrap: bro as much as i like you

Rattletrap: but you cant deny that she was a bitch everyone wanted to fall off the cliff

Boush: Welp

Boush: Yeah her temper was kinda shitty

Boush: And she was a bit odd

Rattletrap: chasing kids while trying to hit them with a glowing 1000 degree skimmer is not "a bit odd"

Boush: Alright she sucks are you pleased?

Rattletrap: more than so

Kardel: shots fired

Rattletrap: now THAT's who i've been waiting for

Kardel: i was here the whole time, you know

Kardel: only reading

Rattletrap: and how is it?

Kardel: after all that time? i think my brain fucking atrophied

Lyralei: yeah!! were good atit!

Boush: Lyra I really think it's not what you should be proud of

Lyralei: you dony fit the atmospere

Lyralei: how come you stiil here?

Boush: I created this whole fucking thing remember?

Boush: It was kinda rude

Boush: And why are you typing like you're smashed out

Lyralei: about tihs one

Mortred: yeah

Mortred: everyone

Mortred: today is the big gay for us all!!

Mortred: today is the day when the great as flying fuck drinking party takes place!!!

Mortred: lyra is already in process

Lyralei: oh and magina- oh sorry Auntie Madge - was honoored to this title bs hes a weak pissy

Lyralei: pussy*

Lyralei: who cant drink for his life

Boush: Of all the spelling errors you chose that one?

Lyralei: BOSUH IM A GROWN WOMAN LET ME HAVR MY GUN

Lyralei: FUN

Lyralei: actualy

Lyralei: about habing my gun

Kardel: don't. you. fucking. dare.

Lyralei: i challenge yoy to a shooting duel!!

Lyralei: if you loes your beard's fate is in my hands

Tresdin: Do you even know how to duel people

Rattletrap: sdbdkwhhxbb

Rattletrap: triggered

Rattletrap: wait what did you just say

Kardel: you

Boush: **God ficking dammit Lyra**

Boush: **Never. You hear me? NEVER THREATEN A MAN'S BEARD. Especially keen's**

Boush: Your luck it wasn't Karroch

Lyralei: but erm

Lyralei: he lets you do with his all yuo want

Boush: I can tell you a fuckton of other thing that I can do with him and you all can't because _reasons_

Kardel: alright

Kardel: i can't stand such insults

Kardel: i accept the duel

Lyralei: oh i forgot to say u need to get drunk af too

Kardel: forthehelluvit

 

~~~

 

Lina: Mangix is officially the MVP of this night

Rigwarl: yah

Rigwarl: he has taste in good booze

Ymir: somethin you dont have shorty

Rigwarl: say that to me face ya moron

Rylai: Strygwir drinks his twentieth Bloody Mary

Rylai: It's getting weird to watch

Strygwir: The Flayed ones' thirst is insatiable.

Strygwir:

Strygwir: can i have another one

Mangix: sure bud! just abit busy

Lina: wow. are you even accepting orders in here?

Mangix: uh huh

Mangix: since the 100 mesages per minute time ended

Rylai: Yeah some of the ppl got to making out or doing some dumb shit too

Lina: like what?

Boush: Like thw goddanm shooting contest betwwen two drunk idiots

Boush: The rear window, come

Lina:

Lina: okay where is my popcorn

Rylai: Already here

Rylai: With me and two kissing gay uncles

Lina: wait a second

Lina: we have two uncles

Lina: but only one auntie?

Mortred: OHMY FUSGHING GOD

Mortred: _@AUNTIE_MADGE_

Mortred: you have two hot as holy hells men tonight

Mortred: so i hope you're into being split in half

Boush: Whatyou mean? Roch already has someone to split in half and its definitely not magina

Mortred: you are disgusting.

Boush: Youre an assaassin whose siganture move is splittering ppl's guts all around

Boush: Disgusting isntt the word coomon for you lmao

Mortred: i wonder how alcohol affected your typing but not your sassiness

Boush: Thats the way i am

 

**[Dark Willow] entered [grumpy auntie dumb and daunty]**

**[Pangolier] entered [grumpy auntie dumb and daunty]**

 

Lyralei: and thahts why you suck dick

Lyralei: OMFGHGQC

Lyralei: Wawait what?

Boush: Hey, youre the newcomers?

Dark Willow: yeahhh

Dark Willow: we're here for less than a minute and i already like this place

Boush: Lets change your names to your real ones if you dont mindf

Dark Willow: sure! i'm mireska! and this ween is donte

 

**[Dark Willow] renamed to [Mireska]**

**[Pangolier] renamed to [Donte]**

 

Donte: excuse me

Donte: but it's _Donté_. that's important

Mireska: Døñtê

Donte: _mon dieu_

Boush: nhhwwvqh okay

 

**[Donte] renamed to [Døñtê]**

 

Døñtê:  _merde._

Lyralei: **_hon hon hon_**

Mortred: OH FUCKING SHIT NO PLEASE

Mortred: NOT AGAIN

Døñtê: what's this?

Lina: NOOOOO FUCK

Rylai: **OwO WHAT'S THIS?**

Lyralei: _it's le baguette, mon ami_

Lyralei: morty honey

Lyralei: pwease say taht one thing i asked you to repeat that day wemet?

Rylai: daddy pwease

Mortred: go to hell im not going to say it

Lyralei: MORTY YOU DONT LOVE ME???

Mortred: i do

Mortred: but not when you're drunk af and once again speaking the most horrible french ever

Lyralei: french isa languaege of _love_ come on 

Rylai: dont worry lyra i'll help

Rylai: _òmelëtte dû fromãge_

Lyralei: OH YEEESSS

Lyralei: god it sounds so sexy

Døñtê: ...

Døñtê: does she even know what it means?

Døñtê: and spells properly.

Mortred: unsurprisingly, no for both

Mireska: HOOO BOY

Mireska: i can tell well get along

Mireska: they have so much cool alcohol in here!

Mireska: and so much dopeshit in their """"official chatroom""""

Karroch: what the fuck who stole my beer

Mireska: oh if youre that big tattooed guy who was just making out with someone then it was me!

Mireska: also why would anyone kiss you with that horrendous beard

Boush: You've got very very bad taste in men yougn lady

Boush: And in beards apparently

Mireska: i think I should feel insulted

Mireska: aaalright do you still need that beer?

Mireska: there's something left. a little bit

Karroch: nevermind i'll get another one

Boush: Honey how muxh did we already drink?

Karroch: idk

Karroch: this wouldve been my sixth pint

Karroch: or seventh

Karroch: i dont remmmber honestly

Boush: Mine was fourth. jfc I never in my life dank so much

Boush: drank

Boush: can you move a bit? My neck is feeling numb

Karroch: were on the same fucking couch coulndt you tell me irl?

Boush: Sorry was busy texting

Boush: ...texting you

Boush:

Boush: Alright afk again

Døñtê: this place is a mess. what we've gotten ourselves into?

Mireska: into a welcome drinking party you weirdo!!

Mireska: well, they were partying before us, but we got here just in time

Mireska: also there's your mr hedgehog over here

Mireska: rigvarl, i think

Døñtê: Rigwarl?? where?

Mireska: near the barkeep with someone smashing each other's faces

Mireska: go have fun

Mortred: for more explicit fun you can watch the bloody fucking massacre in the backyard

Mireska: i'm all over it!

 

~~~

 

Kardel: well THAT was a hell of a recoil

Kardel: alright boush

Kardel: ask that mountain of yours to move his legs

Kardel: im gonna sit with you

Mireska: i cant believe it

Lina: same

Rylai: And i can't WAIT for it!

Boush: Errgh

Boush: What happened

Kardel: weeeeell we went a little berserk

Lina: "a little" uh huh

Kardel: i shot techies' barrel in the air from like..

Kardel: two miles? i used my highest caliber bullet

Kardel: (totally not a dick joke)

Kardel: anyway i almost crushed my bones when i hit the wall but rattle took me to the fountain so i'm safe and sound

Kardel: <3

Rattletrap: <3

Boush: and what then?

Kardel: but i actually won!

Kardel: also we found out that fouitain aura makes you sober muuuch quicker

Lina: in conclusion lyra is bloodthirsty for revenge

Lina: so she charged donte with a baguette battle

Lina: **A FUCKING BAGUETTE BATTLE CARL!!!**

Rylai: Sis you literally helped to burn the damn buns so they wont break apart after the first hit

Lina: I KNOWWWW

Lina: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

Rylai: Stfu relax and watch

Boush: What the actual

Boush: uh

Boush: Whatever

Mireska: you guys are **savage**

Mireska: i love you all

Rylai: Uh i'm not sure it will be so when madge is not passed out

Mireska: who?

Rylai: Auntie Madge

Rylai: Don't worry youll find out soon C:

Mireska: suspicious -.-

Akasha: wazzup folks

Akasha: oh, new faces?

Akasha:

Akasha: i swear to fucking hells

Akasha: did i just see a pangolin in a musketeer's suit fighting with a GODDAMN BAGUETTE?????

Akasha: with no other than a redheaded devil

Mortred: yes. we're spending some quality time here as you can see

Akasha: glorious

Akasha: i wonder what can be more entertaining than this

 

**Private chat between [Furion] and [Purist]**

 

Furion: Purist?

Purist: Yes, what's up?

Furion: It's

Furion: What's going on there?

Purist: You mean the horrible chaos over here? I'm eager to set the tavern on fire

Furion: Right, I just wanted to ask you to spare me some time

Furion: You know...

Furion: Only you and me.

Furion: Together.

Purist: Alright

Purist: Let me just put my armor on

Furion: Actually, the armor is really unnesessary

Furion: ..well, the clothing at all

Purist: Oh. Together in _that_  way

Purist: You want me to go out naked?

Furion: No no I didn't mean that! Just

Furion: Uh

Furion: At least while we're alone

Purist: So you actually _want_  to see me nude

Purist: Hmm. Fine

Purist: I won't make you wait for long

Furion: PURIST THUNDERWRATH

Furion: ARE YOU FUCKING TEASING ME?

Purist: Language, Furion

Furion: You better hurry up right now paladin

 

**[Purist] posted [IMG_001.jpg]**

 

Furion: NGGHH

Furion: I'm going to pass out

 

**Private chat between [Furion] and [Karroch]**

 

Furion: GUESS WHO JUST RECEIVED NUDES AND IS GOING TO GET LAID TONIGHT

Karroch: wait what the fuck


	5. Make frostivus great again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The everyone's favourite holiday returns! Not as triumphally, though, but there are all the mighty heroes to fix this!
> 
> ...Or to make it a complete insanity like they always do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me surprisingly little time to write. Hope it didn't affect the quality ;)
> 
> ("""quality""" uh huh like it's not a goddamn trash, tell me more)

**[Frostivus hype everyone!!!!]**

 

Rylai: Not to start shit but this frostivus kinda sucks ass

Lyralei: well at least it happens!

Lyralei: though i agree with you, this is lame af

Mortred: hey

Mortred: if it got to this

Mortred: why dont we make our _own_ frostivus???

Lyralei: this is

Lyralei: actually a good idea! Cant wait to brainstorm the possibilities

Rylai: Alright

Rylai: _@gayshits_ gather!

Lina: sis I really think it's not how you do this

Lina: we don't even have anyone with this name in here

Lina: but IMO _@gayshits_ = _@everyone_ lol

Rylai: Lol true!

Rylai: _@boush_ please!

Đőňţĕ: Oh if he's going to read it soon

Đőňţĕ: As the most precious frostivus gift ever made

Đőňţĕ: **Can you get rid of this abomination changing my name?**

Boush: YEAH FUCKER TAKE THIS

Đőňţĕ: _excusi moi??_

Boush: ""hAhA you call that an axe??"" I CALL IT GET FUCKEN SNIPED BITCH

Rylai: Ahemm what?

Lyralei: i... have questions

Akasha: i have answers actually

Akasha: basically mogul tried to taunt karroch with his typical line

Akasha: **yes, once again.**

Akasha: and as we all remember it **never** ended good

Boush: yeah cause unlike him i can actually use my brain and not only muscles

Boush: anyway this idiot tried to piss me off in the lane for quite a time and it kinda bothered me

Boush: so at some point i picked up a rune and proceeded to beat his stupid ass

Boush: apparently i couldnt finish this fat fuck within the roar so he tried to run and blink away

Boush: and here comes the fun part

Akasha: yeah my favourite

Boush: i roughly predict where hes going to blink and throw one of my axes in that way

Boush: it cuts a few trees and when he blinks it INSTANTLY FLIES STRAIGHT INTO HIS FUCKING SKULL

Akasha: the snipes are real

Rylai: Nice one

Rylai: But why are you on your bf's comm?

Boush: oh mine's lagging and Bou is busy tinkering with it

Lyralei: **busy what??**

Boush: tinkering

Lyralei: KARROCH MOTHER FUCCKINDG ZOOMAN

Lina: karroch cracking puns

Lina: what a day of discoveries

Boush: the fuck did you just call me

Lyralei: doesnt matter

Lyralei: also wow 

Lyralei: are all old dudes so good at sniping shit?

Boush: _the fuck do you mean old?_

Lyralei: welp

Lyralei: you. kardel. old dudes.

Boush: IM THIRTY FUCKING SEVEN PPL CALM DOWN

Lyralei: okay... i admit i didn't know that

Lyralei: but you look like 50yo dafuq?

Boush: you try to live your whole life in the fucking forest and i'll look at you in my age

Boush: oh look my comm's alive

Karroch: sup crew long time no see

Boush: Okay on all that I missed

Boush: _@gayshit_ is now = _@everyone_

Boush: _@đőňţĕ_ just a little request in return

Boush: Can you make some jokes about Magina? It's been a while

Đőňţĕ: You mean one of the Team Purple?

Boush: what

Đőňţè: Well there are a couple of idiots in a bright purple tent covered in some shitty jpeg images and banners like "FUCC MAGIC" and "DEEP PURPLE"

Đőňţĕ: Though I'm sure last one is irrelevant because they're listening to some emo bullshit

Akasha: _**ADJEHSHBWKOWHEG RIXUGAHWKSN**_

Đőňţè: There's a boring one and a stupid one. I guess you're talking about the latter

 

**[Đőňţĕ] renamed to [Donté Panlin the Miraculous]**

 

Donté Panlin the Miraculous:

Donté Panlin the Miraculous: This is... A bit extra

Boush: DONTE YOU CAN FUXKING HAVE MY FIRSTBORN

Boush: JUST PLEASE SHOW US WHERE IT IS

 

~~~

 

Nortrom: Shut up and get out of here.

Lyralei: OH NO NO NO WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL WE LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF

Mortred: the only thing i regret that they didnt accept carl in here

Moogeenah: that bitch doenst deserve to be here

Mortred: well on the boring asshole scale he stands up to you both

Boush: Nortrom i'm honestly disappointed in you

Nortrom: I don't care.

Lina: i would love to sneak inside and take a couple of pics but the mindblowing aura of this tent won't let me

Lina: i can literally feel my brain fucking evaporate this is ridiculous

Gondar: I have a bargain for you.

Gondar: But my cost is significantly higher because of the severe migraine I've earned there.

Lina: GONDARRRR

Lina: FUCKING DEAL

Rylai: I hope you weren't traumatized by the sight of them making out

Moogeenah: YOU FUCKING WAT YELLOW PUSSY??

Gondar: They were. I'm not a pervert to look at this.

Gondar: I mean, there's a lot of more handsome men to sneak on.

Karroch: very reassuring

Boush: Wait I just realised I've unintendedly gave Donté the "Magina treatment™"

Boush: My deepest apologies

Boush: Oh and also as you asked

 

**[Donté Panlin the Miraculous] renamed to [Donté]**

 

Donté: _merci_

Mireska: awwww, you reject all the bravade and titles? thaths the personal growth i must say

Donté: More like self-digging actually

Mireska: also why the hell do you italics all the french you write

Donté: Aesthetics. Mind your business

Mortred: **OH MY MCFUCKING GOD**

Mortred: **GUYYYYYSSSSDSSS**

Mortred: **I KNOW HOW TO MAKE FROSTIVUS GREAT AGAIN**

Lyralei: my body is ready

Mortred: Heroes! Behold! 

Mortred: The game of skill and (a little bit of) luck!!

Mortred: **_SNIPE THE SHIT OUT OF ANCIENTS!!!!!!_**

Mortred: NO MORE STUPID FARMING

Mortred: NO MORE BITCHY HIDING BEHIND YOUR TEAMMATES

Mortred: ONLY HARDCORE SURVIVAL THROUGH YOUR OWN MAD SKILLZ

Mortred: USE YOUR FAVOURITE ARROWS, AXES, ROCKET, LASERS, BULLETS, FREAKING MISSILES OF FIRE/ICE/LIGHTNING/MAGIC/ **WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT**

Mireska: how about a murderous pet wisp?

Mortred: LEGIT AS FUCK

Mortred: SO IF YOU'RE A CRAZY MOTHAFUCKA THEN BE READY

Mortred: FOR A BRUTAL MESS WHERE EVERYONE FIGHT FOR THEIR! OWN! ASS!!!

Mortred: WHO'S WITH ME?

Lyralei: _@everyone_ THIS IS WHY I FUCKING LOVE THUS WOMAN!!!

Lyralei: +

Akasha: +

Karroch: +

Boush: +

Lina: +

Rylai: +

Mireska: +

Kardel: +

Rattletrap: +

Mirana: +

Boush: Guys we literally want everyone who is willing to participate!

Boush: You know what? I'm gonna do something.

 

 

**Created voicechat room [MAKE FROSTIVUS GREAT AGAIN]**

 

♪Boush: Here

♪Boush: Your comms are able to detect your speech quite well so you can chat without typing

♪Boush: It's an experimental system so if anything happens its not my fault lol

♪Boush: Anyway I've messed a little with the arena so we all are gonna be teleported to random points on it when this shit starts

♪Boush: Come on try it

♪Lina: Hope we aren't going to appear on a cliff or in trees

♪Boush: It's all taken into account

♪Lyralei: Cool! I've always wanted this

♪Lyralei: Aww proper capitalization

♪Boush: Honestly I don't give a fuck since coding unique spelling patterns takes a huge ass time and I'm too lazy and I have a lot of things to do like resting or braiding my bfs beard

♪Lina: Excuse me what the

♪Lina: Nevermind I see

♪Rylai: Karroch actually looks quite handsome with it

♪Boush: I know right

♪Boush: I also wanted to braid little ribbons in it but couldn't find any and he woke up anyway

♪Mortred: Okay shut it everybody and get started!

♪Mortred: Three

♪Mortred: Two

♪Mortred: One

♪Mortred: GO!

 

**!airhorn**  
**!airhorn**  
**!airhorn**  
**!airhorn**

 

♪Boush: Oh and also this counts eliminations

 

**[Traxex] pwned [Luna]**

 

♪Lyralei: Haha I missed this word

♪Boush: Have fun!

♪Boush: (to Karroch) Hey love press my name to speak privately

♪Karroch: (to Boush) Sup honey

♪Karroch: (to Boush) I'm in left jungle where are you

♪Boush: (to Karroch) Dire base 

♪Boush: (to Karroch) Fuck

♪Karroch: (to Boush) Alright meet you near the top jungle cliff

♪Boush: (to Karroch) Let's kick some asses!

 

**[Karroch] pwned [Axe]**

 

 

~~~

 

**[Lina] pwned [Furion]**

**[** **Purist] pwned [Lina]**

 

♪Lina: I honestly don't know if I need to feel sad because this is fucking ridiculous

♪Lyralei: Bwahahaha

♪Lyralei: Lina how the hell did it happen

♪Lina: A fucking hammer flying in my face

♪Lina: Must be quite a sight to watch

♪Purist: Indeed it was, young lady

♪Lina: Oh for fuck's sake

♪Lyralei: I'm dyiiiiing

 

**[Kardel] pwned [Mirana]**

**[Purist] pwned [Rattlettap]**

 

♪Mortred: Somebody stop that bearded god of destruction

 

**[Karroch] pwned [Purist]**

 

♪Karroch: No need to stop me guys

♪Mortred: Oh really

♪Mortred: Well how would you like this

 

**[Mortred] pwned [Lanaya]**

 

♪Mortred: What the actual fuck

♪Karroch: The saves are real

♪Lanaya: For hell's sake

♪Lanaya: Of all other places it would be mine

 

**[Kaolin] pwned [Xin]**

**[Kaolin] pwned [Shendelzare]**

 

♪Xin: Stone in my face

♪Xin: What a meaningless death

♪Kaolin: Brother can you fucking not be like that

♪Rylai: Xin is like himself

♪Rylai: Lol

♪Lyralei: Don't worry I'll ease your suffering

 

**[Lyralei] pwned [Kaolin]**

**[Mireska] pwned [Donté]**

 

♪Mireska: Haha

♪Mireska: One point on me

♪Donté: Don't get distracted, cherie

♪Mireska: What

 

**[Clinkz] pwned [Mireska]**

**[Karroch] pwned [Clinkz]**

 

♪Mireska: Thanks braidbeard

♪Karroch: Boush when this is over you will need to do something

♪Boush: What

♪Karroch: Braid it to the end

♪Karroch: I like it

♪Mireska: Goddammit

♪Mireska: This is so gay

♪Mireska: But very cute honestly

♪Lyralei: You'll get used to it

♪Lyralei: Kardel stand still I can't kill you!

♪Kardel: Same for you!

 

**[Lyralei] pwned [Kardel]**

 

♪Lyralei: HAHA!

♪Traxex: Get wrecked shorty

♪Boush: Get wrecked icy

 

**[Boush] pwned [Traxex]**

 

♪Traxex: Meh

♪Boush: Kardel the drinks on you

♪Lyralei: But I wanted to duel her!

♪Traxex: Me too, actually

♪Boush: Ask Tresdin lol

♪Akasha: BOOOOOO!

♪Boush:  Oh fuck

 

**[Boush] pwned [Akasha]**

 

♪Akasha: You fucking kidding me

♪Boush: Reaction bitch

♪Boush: Oh hi Roch

♪Karroch: Behind you!

 

**[Mortred] pwned [Boush]**

 

♪Boush: Aw shucks

 

**[Mortred] pwned [Karroch]**

 

♪Mortred: Haha

♪Mortred: See who's the boss?

 

**[Karroch] pwned [Mortred]**

 

♪Mortred: BITCH WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER?

♪Karroch: Not you

♪Boush: Help me I'm gonna die

♪Mortred: Your fucking axe retunrs to you even if you're dead you bitch how?

♪Lyralei: Hey did I win?

♪Lyralei: Wait no there's someone left

♪Lyralei: Who is it?

 

**[Rylai] pwned [Lyralei]**

 

**[Rylai] wins!**

 

♪Rylai: Yesss!

♪Lyralei: OH FUCKING BOLLOCKS

♪Rylai: I always kick asses on Frostivus heheh

♪Karroch: I must say it was quite funny

♪Mortred: Of course it was!

♪Rylai: Anyway

♪Rylai: Anyone up to the next round?

♪Lyralei: You bet I am!

♪Mortred: Up and ready

♪Rylai: GO!

 

**!airhorn**  
**!airhorn**  
**!airhorn**  
**!airhorn**

**Author's Note:**

> Jeez what is this bullshit
> 
> Alright guys, hope you enjoyed this! Leave kudos and suggest some stuff in comments too!
> 
> ...and fuck Magina.


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